About Me

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I am 45. I am married to the love of my life. Together we have two beautiful young adults who bring me joy everyday. In 2015 we added another beautiful young adult to our house, our niece, and she has been a great joy! Secretly, I'm counting the years till grandbabies start coming; they just need to find their forever loves first.

Friday, January 06, 2012

A Girl With Issues

I am that girl. A girl with issues.

I have been thrown into another tailspin of introspection. As this new year starts I feel a falling off of old things and old ways and it has caused me to be a little sad. I know that I should never look back. I should always be looking forward and encouraged by what is coming instead of looking back and basically becoming Lot's wife; turning into a pillar of salt that is forever sealed in the backwards looking position, never to move from that spot again.

The sadness that I feel is not for the things that are falling away; it is for the way that I suddenly see myself and realize who I was. I have discovered unsavory pieces of my personality that, I believe, have driven people away from me over the years. With that sudden realization comes the embarrassment from feeling like a fool and sometimes the blaming of those around me that love me because they didn't say anything to me. Or did they and I didn't want to hear it?

I believe we are on a countdown to the last days of life as we know it. I don't necessarily believe that the world is ending in 2012. I, also, don't believe in the whole global warming thing. But, there is something inside me that has been building for the last few years and this year it feels almost like a desperation. I can't stay who I was. I have to change. I have to help others. Kind of like a "no man left behind" scenario. There are so many hurting people and it just keeps getting worse. This world's depravity is getting worse instead of better. Too many people worrying about lining their pockets and less about helping those in need. Do not get me wrong. I do not support the Occupiers. Their behavior is foolish. I believe in an America that is free to succeed. I am sad that people have gotten so jealous of the success of others that they feel the need to tear them down to their level. This is so "Atlas Shrugged" it's not even funny. I just wish I was one of the tycoons that could shut down their business and go live in the secret valley with John Gault. However, I am not called to that. I am called to help people, not to hand them what they want and need, but help them help themselves. I am called to grow people and encourage people and help people succeed.

But I must start with me, as selfish as that feels and sometimes sounds. I have to get rid of the thoughts that attack my mind and tell me that I'm no good, I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, I'm too much of this and not enough of that. Lately, that's all I've been thinking about. In reality, I know all of that is a lie. I know that I am good, I know that I have talents, my husband tells me that I'm pretty and he says he doesn't care about my extra lbs. I am a child of God. Nothing else should really matter in light of that.

The changing process does not always go easily. I feel distant from everyone and everything. I feel rejected a lot. I'm probably looking for it and projecting it onto people. They probably don't even think about me and I'm all "they hate me!" It's pathetic victim mentality. I need to slap my hands and say "Stop It!!" I would say head, but ya know, that hurts and I'm not into self inflicted physical pain unless we are talking about muscling through a yarn project that is causing me to cramp up and make my muscles burn! :) What I need to do is stop being moved by my feelings. I know what the truth of God's Word has said about me. THAT is what I need to think on.

I have come to at least two decisions. One, I am going to start volunteering. The kids and I have chosen Ronald McDonald House. It has personal meaning for us. My husband and son spent a week at Ronald McDonald House when Stefani was first diagnosed with Leukemia and she had to stay in the hospital for her first round of chemo. I stayed in the hospital room with her, so I was only able to visit the House when Tony and Teo took us through it. It is a neat facility. What a blessing it was to us. We've never lived close enough to be able to volunteer before. I'm finding that all of the places and things that I've wanted to be involved with, i.e. volunteering at a cancer center or a children's ward, but never lived close enough to, are all right here. I have spent the last year so completely wrapped up in my stress and my needs and my unfulfilled dreams that I forgot that it really is NOT about me. Two, I am going to read through the entire bible this year.

I am slowly pulling up my bootstraps and putting one foot in front of the other. Saying that always makes me sing the song from claymation classic "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

.....Put one foot in front of the other, soon you'll be walking cross the floor...just put one foot in front of the other, soon you'll be walking out the door......

Truer words have never been spoken.

6 comments:

Bailey said...

I heard once a long time ago someone say there is a reason why they tell you to put the oxygen on yourself first before trying to help your children or anyone who cannot help themselves. If you pass out, you are useless to them. It is not selfish to find healing so that you in turn can be a healer to others.

You should know that your patterns have been a gift to others. I donated a Springfield doll and clothing to a high school that was running a toy drive this year and they were amazed that someone had taken the time not just to buy the doll, but to outfit it. Wihtout the generous nature of people like yourself I couldn't afford to make the clothes that I donate. I certainly buy plenty of patterns, but I also find myself coming back to free patterns as well for both family and donation purposes. You have no idea how far your gifts move beyond yourself. There are several little girls who have benefited from your kindness in providing free patterns for the 18" dolls.

Sometimes we need to hear about the good we are not aware of in our lives. You have done so much good for girls you will never know about just with your gift of allowing others to donate.

Jimmie Earl said...

Reading this post made my heart ache for you. I think of all the changes you have gone through and your big move from family and friends. I think of you having a daughter that has suffered and survived, and I just can't imagine you NOT feeling some sort of disassociation. Realizing that you need to change things in your life is the first step. You have already accomplished that. May God, in His Infinite Wisdom lead you where you need to go.
After my wife's tragic death, I felt like I was floundering around out there in space, lost and alone. I looked around me at my two wonderful children, a sweety of a daughter-in-law and a trooper of a grandson, and now my "baby grands", and I realized that God was watching out for me all he time. I just didn't realize it Now I do what I can in my small community to help out others, and thus am helping myself. Your blog has taught me several ways to make my handwork more beautiful, and even when arthritis is plaguing my hands, I put hook to yarn for the prayer shawl ministry.
You have much to say and offer to others right here, we just need to access it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Keep up the chin, and the blogging. Best luck with the volunteer work.
JE

Biz said...

Bailey and Jimmie. All I can say is thank you. Your words and your faithful encouragement mean so much to me.

Biz

tess975 said...

Your post was an inspiration. I believe I am always on the path to improving my life and myself.

It is never selfish to put yourself first if it is enable you to better care for others.

I wish you success on your journey to become a better you.

Teresa :)

Bailey said...

I also should have mentioned your castle and farm creations have blessed many homes. I was focused on a thank you not I received that day when I wrote my comment. Your small toys are perfect for kids who have to move often, end up in doctor's waiting rooms, etc. Large toys are adorable, but not practical for these situations. For my donations, your toys are perfect!

Biz said...

Ha! Bailey, I wonder sometimes if those creations didn't come from all the time we spent in doctor's offices and waiting rooms. We always had to pack creatively. I remember one particular visit to the doctor's office, Teo forgot to pack a busy bag. I had a project with me, so I took some yarn and made a little mouse and stuffed him with tissue and then made a piece of cheese on a string. That simple toy kept that boy busy for hours. I was never so grateful for my crocheting talent than that particular day.