I am that girl. A girl with issues.
I have been thrown into another tailspin of introspection. As this new year starts I feel a falling off of old things and old ways and it has caused me to be a little sad. I know that I should never look back. I should always be looking forward and encouraged by what is coming instead of looking back and basically becoming Lot's wife; turning into a pillar of salt that is forever sealed in the backwards looking position, never to move from that spot again.
The sadness that I feel is not for the things that are falling away; it is for the way that I suddenly see myself and realize who I was. I have discovered unsavory pieces of my personality that, I believe, have driven people away from me over the years. With that sudden realization comes the embarrassment from feeling like a fool and sometimes the blaming of those around me that love me because they didn't say anything to me. Or did they and I didn't want to hear it?
I believe we are on a countdown to the last days of life as we know it. I don't necessarily believe that the world is ending in 2012. I, also, don't believe in the whole global warming thing. But, there is something inside me that has been building for the last few years and this year it feels almost like a desperation. I can't stay who I was. I have to change. I have to help others. Kind of like a "no man left behind" scenario. There are so many hurting people and it just keeps getting worse. This world's depravity is getting worse instead of better. Too many people worrying about lining their pockets and less about helping those in need. Do not get me wrong. I do not support the Occupiers. Their behavior is foolish. I believe in an America that is free to succeed. I am sad that people have gotten so jealous of the success of others that they feel the need to tear them down to their level. This is so "Atlas Shrugged" it's not even funny. I just wish I was one of the tycoons that could shut down their business and go live in the secret valley with John Gault. However, I am not called to that. I am called to help people, not to hand them what they want and need, but help them help themselves. I am called to grow people and encourage people and help people succeed.
But I must start with me, as selfish as that feels and sometimes sounds. I have to get rid of the thoughts that attack my mind and tell me that I'm no good, I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, I'm too much of this and not enough of that. Lately, that's all I've been thinking about. In reality, I know all of that is a lie. I know that I am good, I know that I have talents, my husband tells me that I'm pretty and he says he doesn't care about my extra lbs. I am a child of God. Nothing else should really matter in light of that.
The changing process does not always go easily. I feel distant from everyone and everything. I feel rejected a lot. I'm probably looking for it and projecting it onto people. They probably don't even think about me and I'm all "they hate me!" It's pathetic victim mentality. I need to slap my hands and say "Stop It!!" I would say head, but ya know, that hurts and I'm not into self inflicted physical pain unless we are talking about muscling through a yarn project that is causing me to cramp up and make my muscles burn! :) What I need to do is stop being moved by my feelings. I know what the truth of God's Word has said about me. THAT is what I need to think on.
I have come to at least two decisions. One, I am going to start volunteering. The kids and I have chosen Ronald McDonald House. It has personal meaning for us. My husband and son spent a week at Ronald McDonald House when Stefani was first diagnosed with Leukemia and she had to stay in the hospital for her first round of chemo. I stayed in the hospital room with her, so I was only able to visit the House when Tony and Teo took us through it. It is a neat facility. What a blessing it was to us. We've never lived close enough to be able to volunteer before. I'm finding that all of the places and things that I've wanted to be involved with, i.e. volunteering at a cancer center or a children's ward, but never lived close enough to, are all right here. I have spent the last year so completely wrapped up in my stress and my needs and my unfulfilled dreams that I forgot that it really is NOT about me. Two, I am going to read through the entire bible this year.
I am slowly pulling up my bootstraps and putting one foot in front of the other. Saying that always makes me sing the song from claymation classic "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
.....Put one foot in front of the other, soon you'll be walking cross the floor...just put one foot in front of the other, soon you'll be walking out the door......
Truer words have never been spoken.