Friday, April 20, 2012

Happy Birthday My Love

Today, my love turns 40. I am finally not the only old one in the house. :-) We are having a simple celebration tonight with smothered pork chops, skin on mashed potatoes and sautéed green beans. I ordered a cake from Publix....white with a fudge filling and buttercream frosting. Can you say Yum?? The kids bought him a gift certificate to a buck and bass shop close to the house. Tony doesn't like hunting, but he likes shooting bow and needs a few things. My parents will be here in just about a week, so we are waiting until they get here to go try out a restaurant called Mesquite Charley's for his special birthday dinner.

So this morning, I had a totally unintended meltdown in front of my kids. With all these secrets and the planning for his birthday to make it special, even though he hates making a big deal out his birthday, I kind of fell apart. I turned 40 in November and it was just another day on the calendar. We did go out for Chinese, but that's because I decided I was going to eat there for my birthday. No one made a cake. I think I got a card, I can't remember. I treated myself to a haircut with some birthday money from my Inlaws. My mom and dad sent me a pair of beautiful ruby earrings. My husband planned nothing. Not a cake, not a meal, no collaboration with my kids for a present. Some time after my birthday had passed, I had to tell my husband what I would like and I had to take he and my kids to the mall so they could buy it. Then walk around the mall like 'oh gee, I wonder what my husband and kids could be doing?'

I feel like snipey, whiney, oh poor me victim. I also feel like 20 years together should mean something. Something more than it obviously does. I don't ask for anything other than time. I do not expect gifts, flowers, candies, weekends away, romance of any kind. Maybe that is why today, as I plan little things to make my husbands 40th birthday something special even though we don't have a lot of money to do big things, I feel like somehow I just don't matter. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have been like other people I know who demand diamonds on their birthday regardless of their finances. But, that's not me. I've been advised "men need to be trained. They need to be told. They need to be reminded." I'm tired of training, telling and reminding. It's been 20 years for Gods sake.

There are times when I tell him I would like a kiss good night and he just lays there and makes no effort. I just want him to lean over, but no, he sticks his lips out and says 'here ya go baby'. I know he's playing around, but I refuse to always do the work. So I will lay down with no kiss. And he lets me. I finally told him once, "someday I'm going to die and you are going to regret all those chances you had to kiss me and didn't."

So....Happy Birthday My Love. I hope your milestone birthday turns out better than mine did.