Starting Over

 I keep sitting down to write a post about something crochet, but nothing comes out. It's not that I'm not doing it, or that I don't still love it deep down, or that I don't have ideas pop in and out of my head for new designs. It's that, suddenly, I don't know what to say. Everything feels so forced and played out. We've had a year and a half now of a different world and, I'm going to be honest, it's taking its toll. Everyone has worked so hard to stay "up" and cheerful and engaging and productive...we are all just worn out. 

Plus, my mind keeps telling me "They don't care what you're working on! Why would you post something?!" I don't think that's the truth, but you know how we listen to our insecurities and let them direct our actions? Yeah, that's me 100%.

picture credit: thoughtsoflifeandlove.com

My friend, Niamh, and I have been talking more lately. Poor thing, she's such a good friend and is so concerned about me. She knows there's something wrong with me- I'm not acting my normal self. I am now facing the fact that I have been in a deep depression for quite a while. It's the kind that sneaks up and sucks you down slowly. 

It started with me leaving my office job in January of 2020 with great plans. Everything in my crochet business was flowing the right way. It was time for me to step out on my own (besides leaving a toxic work environment behind). It should have been great. Within a month of me leaving my 9-5, we got the first announcement that there was a bad virus going around. The next month the world shut down. And along with it so did all my business plans. People were losing jobs because of quarantining, so everyone was holding on to their money. Which I totally understand. I was doing the same thing! No condemnation there. But, as a business owner, I just sort of retreated into the world of "Ok what now? What do I do to continue to be valuable? How do I pivot this?!"

Then, out of fear, I started scaling back and let go of services and subscriptions. I haven't sent an email in so long I'm not sure I know how to use MailChimp anymore. It all felt like another nail in the coffin of my dreams. My Christmas CAL was the last straw. We had a good turnout, but something was different. I know it was my fault. Not as many participated in the group- I couldn't afford to do all my giveaways and prizes like normal- I just shut down. 

picture credit: unthsc.edu

Then, in November of 2020, right in the middle of the CAL, I got Covid. Oh my gosh. When I say I was sick...I mean, I slept the entire month of November away. I literally can't remember anything except eating a Thanksgiving meal I couldn't taste. I already had lung problems from the previous two years of getting bronchial infections. I think I coughed for about 2 years straight. So, Covid hit me pretty hard. I had every single possible symptom known. The month of December was also a blur. 

picture credit: adobe stock 61829361

In January we decided to move from the house we were living in into one we could better afford. God totally blessed us with the perfect sized house for the perfect amount. We couldn't have asked for anything better than where we are. I was so excited. It felt like a new beginning. We officially moved in February and started setting up the house. I was loving it. I was feeling physically better. My coughing was reducing on a daily basis.  I was able to unpack things that had been packed for over a decade from when we originally moved to Florida. It truly was like Christmas. 

But, once that was done, I don't know what happened. I couldn't pull myself out of bed in the mornings. I could barely get myself to pick up a crochet hook. My office became the catch-all for the extra things that we didn't know where to put in the house. I didn't like my picture table or my video table, so I didn't try making any videos for anything. 

I just completely stopped designing. I put out a couple patterns, but they were carryovers from the year before. (I haven't designed anything in the year of 2021). Getting supplies has been hard because we couldn't really afford for me to just go spend a bunch of money on yarn when we were working to live on one income. And the companies that I reached out to for yarn support for designs never even responded. So, I just shut down even more. 

All along I've been telling myself I'm fine and to just snap out of it. If I just do this, it will be all better. So I do that...and it's not better. Ok, so if I do this, I'll feel normal again...and I don't. I feel guilty for spending money on craft supplies because I feel like it can go for something more needed. I feel bad for feeling guilty. And then I cry and pray and feel bad because I've neglected my personal relationship with Jesus for so long I feel like a crispy, dry bone. 

I want to get back to feeling like a plump, juicy chicken wing (one of my favorite foods). I want to get back to feeling like a warrior. I want to get back to being creative and having creativity flowing out of me. The path back to this is so slow. I feel like the Lord keeps showing me what I'm hanging onto so that I will let go and let Him take care of it. Sometimes it's hard to let go of deep sadness. I feel like I've been clawing myself out of this hole for so long I may never see the top of it. But, deep down I know I will. Unfortunately, this is not the first time in my life to climb out of a pit of depression.

All along God has never left me alone. Yes, I have had a terrible time for the last year and a half. Dealing with toxic job PTSD and disappointments from personal over expectations...instead of walking in a place of grace and forgiveness and allowing myself to process all my feelings before trying to move on to "bigger and better". September is the first month that I have felt a sense of release. I feel creativity beginning to bubble up in me. I actually have the desire to design again and have started on a new pattern that is so far out of my usual comfort zone I just pray it works. LOL

If you have read this far, pray for me. This was a post I just needed to write so I could move on. I hope you don't feel as though you wasted your time. I need to (we all need to) break the tie that this sadness has had over me (over all of us). You know how sometimes just talking something out and admitting you've had a problem seems to be the catalyst to moving forward? That's where I'm at. I need to face this thing and call it what it is and stop letting it have control over me. That's not who I am and it's not who God created me to be. 

Thank you for your time and your ear. I pray blessings over you and if you are going through a hard time too, let me know so I can pray for you. We are all in this together.